i am certain of this;

new journal.

2006-08-18T13:42:12Z

new journal.
it's friends only.
i'll remain using this one.
my new one is more 'private'.
i might not add you.
give it a shot anyways.
carrcrashheart

jasmine_cherie @ 2006-08-18T07:31:00

2006-08-18T12:32:09Z

chances of me getting hurt?
100%.

i can never win.

you'll burn some bridges to the ground & leave the mess for me

2006-08-15T14:47:48Z

6 hours car rides are not something i like a whole lot.
more later.
<3

P.S. i love the price is right.
that dude is so old.
it rules.

kuygujygu

2006-08-15T12:39:33Z

things are complicated.

i kinda wanna move in with liz for the
school year and go to liverpool?

whateverrr.

i'm scared to even see what happens with this.
what's the point when he's in love with her?
hm, i need to be patient and give it time.

liar, liar, pants on fire.

2006-08-14T06:39:06Z

hahahahaha.
guys are douche bags.
& the excuse each guy gives me
gets worse & worse.
his was the worst.

who knew a person could improve SO much in
a little over a week?! hmmm

cape cod was amazing.
i might post pictures.
maybe.

leave plans <3

Oh, Ben Shaw <3

2006-08-11T02:37:55Z

carr crash heart: you're lucky you're not a girl, periods suck.

N0T0RIOUS BEN: hahaha
N0T0RIOUS BEN: oh god
N0T0RIOUS BEN: spare me please

carr crash heart: i can go into detail.
carr crash heart: its good to be informed.
carr crash heart: :-*

N0T0RIOUS BEN: wow
N0T0RIOUS BEN: no
N0T0RIOUS BEN: ew
N0T0RIOUS BEN: haha

carr crash heart: it's always good to know how to insert a tampon correctly

N0T0RIOUS BEN: wow
N0T0RIOUS BEN: stop
N0T0RIOUS BEN: please

carr crash heart: i wouldnt reccomend doing IT when shes on the rag

N0T0RIOUS BEN: JASMINE YOU STOP THIS NON-SENSE RIGHT NOW!

carr crash heart: hey, hey, i'm helping YOU out
carr crash heart: never leave your tampon in for MORE than 6-8 hours
carr crash heart: it could lead to TSS
carr crash heart: which is toxic shock syndrome

N0T0RIOUS BEN: STOP IT!

carr crash heart: TSS is a serious but uncommon bacterial infection

N0T0RIOUS BEN: STOP

carr crash heart: :-X
carr crash heart: just....trying to keep you safe <3

N0T0RIOUS BEN: or gross me out

carr crash heart: hey, would you rather be grossed out when your girlfriend gets TSS? or when you go to do IT and you get vagina blood all over?
carr crash heart: i didnt think so
carr crash heart: you'll thank me one day
carr crash heart: :-*

N0T0RIOUS BEN: stop now

carr crash heart: ok. ok

she's wrong for you, i swear.

2006-08-11T00:54:09Z

i'm fucking sick of guys bitching about wanting
a nice girl and when he gets the chance with one..
he goes back to his psycho ex girlfriend
or picks a fucking slut.
guys need to make up their minds and stop hurting me
and other nice girls in the process.
i'm stopping anything before it even starts.

i'm so over guys.

[this isn't about who some of you probably think]

jasmine_cherie @ 2006-08-10T10:05:00

2006-08-10T15:05:43Z

the first day of the fair is in exactly 2 weeks.
:).
who wants to go with me?

everyones rushing ;

2006-08-08T18:40:59Z

everyday i hate myself a little more than the last
and it gets to the point where i don't think it's
possible to hate myself anymore but, i do.
i'm such a hateful person and it's not even towards
other people, it's only towards myself.
i'm a disappointment , a failure, a let down.
to myself. i'm so unhappy with myself and the
things i do, things i say, choices i make.
sad part? i don't do anything to change it.

i'm really not sure why i even bother putting any
effort into 'friendships' anymore. the majority
of my friends are selfish and could careless about
me one way or another. someone only wants to talk
when they've got a problem. make no mistake, i love
to listen and i love to try and make an attempt to
help the best i can. but, it's a two way thing. i
also expect you to listen to my problems.
even if talking isn't what i'm best at,
i'd still appreciate to know someones there for me.

my body is in such an unhealthy state. it's so weak
and so exhausted. not just physically but emotionally
and mentally as well. but, i can't complain. i pretty
much do this to myself. it'll be the death of me.
and i honestly feel like i won't be alive much longer.
that doesn't really bother me. i mean, it's sad to say
but, i've got nothing left to hang on to. i've realized
i gave up a long time ago. i've given up on love. i've
given up on trying to find someone who will fix me. i've
given up on trying to fix myself. i've become so careless.
i've given up trying to pick up the pieces everyone has
picked apart and stepped all over. i haven't got an
ounce of hope or faith left in me. i've become a terribly
pathetic, and sad excuse of what you'd call a person.
i used to cry at every little thing. i used to cry at
how empty i was and how i didn't know what was wrong with
me. i used to cry at how much i hated myself. and how everyone
else did, too. i used to cry for how much i was used. how
dirty and trashy i was. how broken i'd become. how i ended up
the way i did. how i could have 'so much to live for' and
not even care. now, i can't even cry.
don't say i'm so young and everyone goes through this.
you can't even begin to comprhend the things i've been
through, seen and have done. so, don't even try. it's
not a 'phase' and it's not suddenly a feeling that's just
dropped on me. i've been facing it for years and i'm
finally done.

i really wish this was all i was feeling.
i really wish i could just write all the
hurt and pain down and forget about it.
i wish i could tell my secrets and everything
that's happened to me.
i wish i could tell my story.
i wish i knew it.
but, i haven't even begun to scratch the surface.

it's too hard to focus through all this doubt.

2006-08-08T13:35:16Z

i've got the worst stomach ache, ever.
:(. i've taken so much shit and it's not going away.
blahhhhh, i'm always sick, always.
it takes so much out of me.
i'm gonna end up in the hospital.
jfglfdjhgdflkgf.

i've pretty much given up on just about everything.
nothing is worth trying anymore.
not to me, anyways.
everything is just rather pointless in my eyes.
oh well.

so much is wrong with me,
and everything is going wrong.
i don't know where to start
so, i won't.

have a good day.
i know i won't.
<3

i'm trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes,
in all the words i wish i'd wrote
cause i feel like i've been losing you

:)

2006-08-07T04:45:31Z

'No. Ya see, the thing is, when the moon and sun aline at a 43.2 degree angle, the cow mating season begins. After 23 cows have become impregnated, I gain superpowers for 41 minutes, and you just happened to challenge me at this time of my peak performance. If you would have waited another 12 minutes, you would have won. But I'll give this to you for not knowing. Next time, I'm taking the win though. Remember that.'

i love my friends.
very few..
most likely
if you're reading this,
i fucking hate you.
:)
but, there is a slight chance
i love you.

little things make me happy.

choke, you fucks.

2006-08-06T22:11:57Z

i'm so fucking sick of people.
not really people.
just guys.

don't fucking lie to me and make up excuses.
whatever i'm fucking done with that shit.
you're not as nice as everyone thinks.

don't fucking lead me on
and tug on my heartstrings.
it's getting old.
just because someone hurt you
doesn't give you the right to hurt me.
just because things didn't work out with her
doesn't mean you can instantly run back to me
because you know i care
don't use me as a rebound
until she comes around again or something
better comes along.
either you care or you don't.
fucking pick one.
so i can move on.
because this really hurts me and
i can't do it anymore.

don't tell me you love me one minute
and tell her the same thing two
seconds later.
don't tell me i make you happier than she does.
well, don't i deserve to be happy, too?
sometimes, i really honestly think
you're only using me because you like
the fact that someone is around.
someone that cares about you.
someones going to always be there
to pick you up when that stupid
litte cunt pushes you down.
well, guess what?
i'm done with you, too.

[three different topics about three different things i've been keeping to myself]
[& that have really been bothering me.]
i'm sick of keeping everything inside
to keep others happy when they don't fucking deserve it.
i hope all you stupid fucks get hurt and you
fucking learn what it feels like.
i hope you live in regret.

on a lighter note,

i spent the night at shannons last night.
i saw christine and i fucking love her.
she makes me smile. just looking at her.
she's so beautiful :). imma marry heerrr.
she cuddles with me and lays on me,
and i love it.

i saw jamie and i hadn't seen him in a wicked
long time. i've missed him.
i made him sleep with me.
we didn't lay down till like 8.
and we only got like 20 minutes of sleep?
i couldn't fall asleep.
and i kept moving.
so, i kept him up.
i sprawled all over him and wouldn't let him go.
haha, he hates me.
but anyways, :sigh:.

i saw ben shaw :):):).
that made me wicked happy.
that kid is wicked cute.
i held his shoulders while he peed.
i washed his hair.
i layed on his back.
he pranked my sister like 8 times.
that kid owns. i love him.

and duh, i saw shannon.
god, i wanna fuck her.
i made her mom and dad believe
i was her girlfriend and we
were getting married.
they were totally cool with it.
i asked shannon's mom to be my mom.
she said yes.
i love her mom, i love her dad, i love her.
her family seriously rules.
i can't get over it.
i don't see shannon enough.
:( it makes me sad because i love her
and i like to hit on her and touch her.

i saw jackie and well, everyone knows i love her.
her and tom are wicked cute.
<3

i was in a wicked good mood
but...a hurt/scared/nervous/sad
one at the same time.
don't ask.

uh, now i'm in a wicked bad mood.
i fucking hate people.
i give up.
they suck.

i am finished with you.

2006-08-04T15:06:53Z

things are totally fucked.
im so sick.
and i have a really bad pain in my chest.
i'm tired but i can't sleep.
i'm really sick of people telling me
one thing and doing another.
i hate being led on.
it's really hot one minute
and super cold the next.
i've been really grumpy lately.
this entry is really random
and pointless.
i've got so much to say
about things but i can't bring
myself to say any of it.
i'm learning not to get my hopes up
for certain stuff.
i just get crushed in the end.
always.

i think people enjoy hurting me.

jasmine_cherie @ 2006-07-28T23:54:00

2006-07-29T03:55:07Z

im taking a break.
from everything.
don't call me.
or IM me.
or anything.
starting tomorrow i'm just going
to sleep for a few days.

how do the scars feel after the wounds heal?

2006-07-20T05:47:56Z

I have learned to deal with things like this.
Being strong means being heartless.

Tell me, how do the scars feel after the wounds heal ?
Did it burn when they cauterized?

Did it show that you were hiding the hurt inside?

Do your eyes still shine as bright as they did,
the days when you were at your best?

Now that you're all alone & feeling sorry for yourself,
did it make sense to lie to me & deceive me like you did?
If you run away from me, I'm not running after you
(because I'm so tired).
If you turn away from this don't look back
(because I'll be gone).

If you go then I'll forget you.
When you're gone I won't miss you.
I'm sorry that's just the way
I've learned to deal with a broken heart.
If you go then I'll forget you.
When you're gone I won't miss you.
I'm sorry that's just the way I've learned to deal
with a broken heart & broken promises.

It's been a long time since I've seen you
& longer since we've talked.
& the last thing that I said was I had nothing to say.

Now I'm choking on my words.

All the things I didn't say that could have made it all ok.

lately i've been either really down
or really up.
i guess it's kind of a good thing because
i used to always be down.
i don't know.
i'm not sure i like this medication.
i haven't taken it today or yesterday.
:-x. i left it at chyna's.
that's like the worst thing.
to take it, not take it and take it again.
i'm just so forgetful about it.
maybe thats why i'm up and down.
i'll get the medicine from chyna's tomorrow.
i can't keep forgetting to take it.
and i can't keep leaving it places.
or forgetting where i left it.

i really, really like joe. :/.
i guess he likes me too but i
kinda don't want anything to happen
because...i'm just...not good enough.
i know i never think i'm good enough
for any guy but usually those guys are
scum bags but...he's...he's such an amazing
person. i just don't want to waste his time
and honestly, that's all i'd be doing.
i just don't want him settling for someone
like me when he can do so much better.
:/.

i really need some confidence, blahhh.

one kiss could be the best thing ;
one lie could be the worst ;
& all these thoughts are never resting
& you're n o t something i deserve.

i'll forget that you forgot about me ;

2006-07-18T07:47:31Z

i have to pee really bad at the present moment.
and i have a serious case of the hiccups.
i'm too lazy to get up and pee and too lazy to
pull up my pants because i know when i get up
my pants will fall down. my pants are really
baggy and my white belt won't fit in the
belt loops and i'm too lazy to change my pants
or look for my black belt.
basically, i'm too lazy to do anything
other than sit here and ramble.
ooooh yeah. :].

the boy i met.
i really like him.
:-x.
he likes me, too.
i think, i hope.
he's so sweet and charming.
intelligent and intriguing.
he's so adorable.
i adore and admire him, honest.
we seem to know a lot of
the same people and
they say i should
"go for it" because i'm a
sweet girl and he deserves a sweet girl.
honestly, he deserves someone
a lot better than me.
bahh, i don't deserve such a
sweet and caring person. :/

joe and i were talking today and i guess
he was with jamie today and i was brought up
and someone said something that made it
seem like " i was still hung up on, jamie."
yes, i did like jamie.
no, i don't like him anymore.
i realized we just aren't for each other.
he and maxine are perfect together.
i'm happy for them.
jamie's like one of my best friends.
nothing more. nothing less.
he never hurt me. i think he thinks he has.
he didn't. the only way he could ever hurt me
is to stop being my friend and/or hate me.
i just don't want him to feel like he's
obligated to stick around and try and make
things better for me because he thinks he's
made anything worse. he hasn't. he's made
everything a lot better. he's always there
to listen and i'm really thankful i have him.

i really regret the way i treated maxine.
she's a wonderful, beautiful, sweet, and caring
person.

i haven't seen matt in a really long time.
i really miss that faggot. ;D.

kate, jessica, amy jayy and i really
need to have a get together soon :].
violeta, too.

i really haven't seen much of my friends lately.
i've been too wrapped up in myself.
i'm sorry, everyone.
i love you all. :].

eh, i think i've done enough rambling for one night
and if i continue i'll never stop and it's almost
4 am and i'm kinda tired. i guess i'll go to bed.

goooodnight. :]

now i'm holding my face in the basement ;

2006-07-17T05:17:37Z

I'm really tired but I figured I'd update a little.

I had a really good weekend.

Friday I wanted to go to the movies with Joe
but he couldn't go. :[.
It's ok, I'm sure we'll hang out soon. :].

I still went to the mall.
I saw Shannen, Shannon, Andrew, Jason, Chyna,
Amber, Victoria, Sydney, Nicole, ummm, and a whole
bunch of people I hadn't seen in a while.
I saw Jerry. I didn't say anything to him.
We aren't talking anymore.
I'm sick of the never ending cycle with that boy.

I was mainly with Shannen, Chyna, Jason [kinda],
Shannon and Andrew the entire day.

Everyone left around 9:30.
I met this boy, Dan.
Chyna had known him because he was on her
ex-boyfriends hockey team.
I talked to Dan for like..2 hours.
He's a really nice boy. :].
He's from Iowa.
He was so adorable.
I was really comfortable around him, too.
He said he was glad he met me because I'm
the first girl he's met from around
here with a personality. :]
Chyna and I left at like 11 something?

We were supposed to go mini-golfing Saturday with, Dan.
We couldn't.
I can't hang out with him for two weeks because
he has to go to some kind of camp. :/ Lame.

Uh, I spent the night at Chyna's Friday and Saturday.
Her mom and brother both said I had lost a lot of weight.
I said I feel like I've gained a lot.
It made me feel good that I look skinnier
to someone. :].
Her mom told me my face isn't as chubby as it was
and that I've gotton a lot thinner.
I liked that.
Saturday Chyna and I saw Noah on westcott and we went to Lloyds with
him because I missed Lloyd.
There were a bunch of people at Lloyd's.
I met this kid, Andy, he was really nice.
Arlen ended up coming over.
Blah. Blah.
I promised Lloyd I'd visit him more. :].
I never see him and I'd like to more because
I like being around him but I never just
want to...go to his house.
He always says I'm welcome but I don't know.

Chyna and I ended up leaving at like 9:30.
Arlen ended up coming over to Chyna's at like...
11:30.
We layed outside and watched the stars until
1 something.

Thursday is Chyna's birthday.
I hope everything goes as planned.
I want to give her a good birthday.

Saturday is Jackie's graduation parttyyy.
I hope I can go.
I hope I see her before Saturday.
I missss her!

Uh, I'm tired, it's only 1
but I think I'm off to bed.

Here's a few pictures.
I'm too lazy to upload most of them.

puppiess.

puppy.

i love my doggy.

hellllo, random.

shannen's pretty frickin' sexy. ;D

i love her.

<3

jason and i.

priceless. :].

shannon and i.

best friends<3.

can't touch this.

see no evil. hear no evil. speak no evil.

we're cute.

my mom asked me if i was a lesbian.

she's hot. i'm scary, basically.

chyna's kitteeen!

this is love. <3

arlen.

sometimes a heart never fully heals.

he hit is head on the pavement, ahaha. i did a line of coke?

"jasmine, why are your hands down your pants?"
"uhhh, good question."

eh.

my best friend kisses me when i'm sleeping.

I'll think twice before kissing ;

2006-07-12T22:00:11Z

i've been so up and down lately.
i guess it's from the medicine.
i hope.
i'm in such a crappy mood right now.
i don't know why. i mean, i do.
there's a million and one reasons.
i go from being some sort of zombie with
no feelings whatsoever
to a walking bomb that can be set off
by the smallest thing.

i want some sort of stability with something.

bahh, i hope i get to see jackie thursday.
and shannen and amber friday. :]
i miss them. and my best friendddd<3.
i was supposed to hang out with jamie but um,
yeah, i doubt that's happening.
i'm over it.

i feel sick. so sick.

my hair is falling out in huge clumps when
i shower now.
my mom thinks it's from the medication and
all the new chemicals in my body.
my sister thinks it's from malnutrition and stress.
i don't know what it's from.

kjhfkhdf i need to shut up and stop bitching.

lsjdkjsahdkhjsadkjsahhjdljda.

make me feel like you cry ;

2006-07-11T08:56:51Z

i guess you could say things got gradually better
throughout today. couldn't get much worse.
well, i know it could but it felt like it couldn't.
i'm so spent on crying.
i've honestly hit rock bottom and i know the
only place i can go is up but...i dont have the
strength anymore.
there was a storm today and it helped me get the
first amount of decent sleep in a while.
i got my period. lkfdljfdsf. it sucks.

whatever.

jasmine_cherie @ 2006-07-10T09:07:00

2006-07-10T13:17:17Z

i am more than a little bent.
i am more than a little broken.
i am more than fragile.
i am more than hurt.
i am more than unhappy.
i am more than messed up.
i am more than a mess.
i am more than sorry.
i am more than sick.
i am more than unfixable.
i am more than a bad friend.
i am more than a bitch.
i am more than tired.
i need more than a set of arms to help me.
it is more than an addiction.

i'm such a horrible person.
i hate this, i hate myself.

she wants a better body & some super model moves.because in her head she's always been the ugly one

2006-07-08T07:13:58Z

i'm sick of being the friend.
i'm sick of being the hook up/last resort/rebound.
i'm sick of listening to these boys bitch about
girl after girl breaking their heart
but not giving me a chance.
i'm sick of being the comfort and "fall back plan"
until something better comes along.
i'm sick of taking it all in stride because
it doesn't matter "as long as he's happy".
i'm sick of not being worth a damn thing to anyone.
i just want to matter.
"but jasmine, you DO matter."
yeah, i matter when your heart is broken
and you're lonely and until something
fucking better comes along.
honestly, i didn't mind being hurt.
i mean, i did because i was being hurt but...
the happiness of others is more important than my own.
everyone is always telling me to "be happy".
i dont know what happy is.
maybe if someone gave me the time of day to show i'm
fucking worth something i could love myself and
i could be happy.
yeah, it IS pretty pathetic i want someone else
to love me in order to love myself.
honestly, how can a person think he/she is worth loving
if no one HAS?
blah, blah, im young, i've got a lot to learn
but i'd like to have someone to share it with along the way
because right now i honestly don't.
i dont want someone i'll "spend the rest of my life with"
i just want someone NOW, for the time being.
don't get me wrong, i love all my "friends".
i'm very lucky to have them.
don't think i'm ungrateful and don't appreciate them
because i do.
i'd just like to come first to someone, for once.
as more than "a friend" or "hook up".

at the same time though, i understand why no guy wants to be with me.
i understand why i'm unable to love.
i'm a mess, unstable and complicated.
i don't blame them.
i'm just sick of being used as a fall back.
i'm sick of being used for messing around.
i'm sick of only being talk to when
something is wanted from me.
i'd just like this empty feeling to go away.

is that really so bad?

i'm the girl you knew in the years of your youth,
you told me, I had eyes like the summer of beauty & truth.
but in the morning you fled; left a note & it read,
"someday you will be loved, you may feel alone when youre falling asleep,
& every time tears roll down your cheeks, but i know your heart belongs
to someone ~~youve yet to meet~~. & ~~someday you will be loved~~ ; "

basically, i take too many pictures.

2006-07-07T05:45:25Z

you will tell me that you really wanted to stay
but i know you didn't thats what they all say

a show of hands, who has said these words before

with a show of hearts on the floor, who has ever meant them more ;

well i'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years.

& watch me spin circles as I disappear.

hearts, they don't lie they just quiver in fear.

[no make up]
i'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes.

lets lay here in the darkness like this dream of you i had.

you swore you heard me laughing & i swore i saw you smile.

i thought i could live in your arms.

confess all the faith that i had in you

i'd give my heart as an offering

i will always remember you as you are right now.

how does she feel, how does she kiss?

how does she taste while she's on your lips?

when this is over don't blow your composure baby ;

am i just another scene from a movie that you've seen 100 times ?

say hello to all the girls at the top of this table that your under ;

consider this as a gift as you taste her on your lips.

she's making you scream with her hands on your hips.

i hope she's leaving you empty baby, this is just a fix.

if i die tonight, i want your name written on my grave.

i am what you wanted and you're everything i need;

i am what you're feeling when you're nervous.

i've mistaken friends for lovers today.

i fell for acting, like he wanted to stay

you are the only thing that just might save me.

taking peoples hearts & throwing them away